A Poem: Steel Walls

“Steel Walls”

I’m trapped inside these walls,

That I built to protect myself.

Used to being alone, I became a pro at holding back tears.

But eventually, I appeared unable to produce tears at all.

Ask me how I’m feeling and,

I’ll say that I’m fine.

I’ve said it so many times now,

I’ve even convinced myself it was true at times.

I’m full of so many trauma,

I don’t mean to confuse you.

Abandonment, doubt, self-worth, and trust-issues;

or is it only paranoia?

I can’t tell if it’s me projecting,

Or if it’s actually you.

I’ll stare at you blankly, Like I’m frozen in time.

You’ll think I’m feeling nothing,

But I’ve got 3 million voices screaming out in my mind.

One says run away, because I’m good at becoming a ghost.

Another says self-sacrifice because there’s just no hope.

There’s a third voice telling me that I’m the only problem.

There’s still 2,999,997 voices left, as I grasp at defending myself.

No one ever seems to have a clue-

That there’s a war waging inside of me…

And to make it stop is a mystery.

I’ve been asked why I don’t open up, but I just don’t know how.

I’m so trapped within these steel walls that I unknowingly fade out.

I’ve become so controlled that you may mistake me for being bionic.

Appearing robotic didn’t come naturally.

I trained myself to perform.

Sit down. Shut-up. Update. Reboot. Sync.

I’m a disc spinning over and over- a scratched picture of insanity.

I’m a bad signal and I keep freezing on the screen.

You’ll never really see me… for me.

But you keep pushing me as I struggle-until it’s only black on my screen.

I’ve flat-lined, like a heart, unwilling to beat.

I’m begging for you to see that I’m not what you say.

Can’t you reach into my mind?

You said I’m unable to process emotion like you do, but at least I’m not unkind.

Processing them from feelings and into words has been a curse of mine.

To avoid being a burden, I’ll, instead, step away.

If you read all these lines, I bet you’re quite surprised.

If you thought you knew me better,

Well, I never meant to hide.

I’m still looking for the nitric acid,

To break down the steel walls of my mind.

I’m still looking for the nitric acid,

To break down the steel walls of my mind.

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